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Raising Successful Children: Strategies For Behavior And Discipline
Many writers stress that the most important thing parents can do for their children is to provide a loving home environment. In fact, in their book Parenting, Wood, Bishop, and Cohen emphasize that "If you create a climate of love, nothing much can go wrong" (p. 19). Children need to see and experience that they are loved by their parents. How do we show love for our children? Wood, Bishop and Cohen suggest several ways:
1. Arrange to give "quality time" to family members. During "quality time," parents pay full attention to their children. Parents and children engage in enjoyable activities together, such as playing games, sports, or working on projects. The most important element of quality time is that parents and children interact with each other without distractions. Wood, Bishop, and Cohen explain that "This focused attention communicates love as nothing else can. When parents pay total attention to what a child is saying, doing, and being at that moment, they make her feel they truly care" (p. 20). Other writers agree. In his book Keeping Kids Drug Free, Levant reports that the two things children say they want most from their parents are time and attention. Ken Barun, in his book When Saying No Is Not Enough, explains that even if time constraints prevent you from giving your child as much undivided attention as you would like, you can still have them keep you company while you're working around the house, running errands, etc. In this way, they are at least able to spend time with you, and feel like an important part of your life. Click here to go back to top of page
2. Make sure your parenting is predictable, reliable, and consistent. Wood, Bishop, and Cohen explain that children need to have things they can count on. They need a world where rules and routines are consistent and reliable. In this way, children learn what to expect, and they can feel safe and secure. They also learn that their own behavior will always have certain consequences, so they learn to make good judgments about how they should behave so that good things will happen as a result. In short, predictable, reliable, and consistent parenting gives children the sense of security they need to become confident and able to make good choices. Click here to go back to top of page
3. Demonstrate genuine and active interest. Showing real interest in what your child is doing, saying, thinking, and feeling is very important. It demonstrates to your child that you care about them, and helps them feel important. Feeling cared for and important helps them understand that their parents will love them even when they do something wrong, and that their parents will always be there to help them. Click here to go back to top of page
Communicating love occurs in many ways. Parents can give direct verbal messages, such as simply saying "I love you." Communication also occurs by more subtle, non-verbal cues, such as gestures, tone of voice, facial expression, etc. Children are particularly good at picking up on non-verbal messages. It is very important that parents communicate love at appropriate times both in what they say to their children, and the non-verbal cues they use. Click here to go back to top of page
5. Provide dependable physical and emotional support. Some parents find it easy to provide material things for their child. But providing material things is not enough. Children need to know that they are cared for, and that parents will take the time and effort to help them with their physical and emotional needs too. All of the ways of showing love discussed above are ways to help provide for children's emotional needs. In sum, there are many ways that parents can show love for their children, and the importance of showing love can hardly be over-emphasized. Wood, Bishop, and Cohen explain that "A child's first knowledge of life and sense of self evolve at home in the family. Her family supports her or neglects her. If it nourishes her, she grows to believe that she is an acceptable person and will act like one . . . When family members nurture each other, providing real care and loving concern, individuals develop the strength to handle their problems" (pp. 32-33). Click here to go back to top of page
Another commonly stressed ingredient to raising successful children is setting clear expectations. In their book Common Sense Parenting, Burke and Herron note that clear expectations are essential for children to understand what they should do. Without clear expectations, children won't know how they are supposed to behave, and they may act inappropriately simply because they don't know what you want them to do. Of course, children won't always meet your expectations, but being clear about the behavior you want and holding to your expectations consistently will pay off in the long run. Burke and Herron emphasize that expectations must be reasonable for the child's age, ability, and resources. To tell if an expectation is reasonable, you can ask yourself:
If the answer to all three questions is yes, then the expectation is probably reasonable. Burke and Herron also state that expectations tend to be clearer and more effective when phrased positively (i.e., stating what behavior you want to see), instead of telling kids what not to do. For instance, instead of telling a child "Don't draw on the wall," tell the child "When you want to draw, ask me for some paper and sit at the table to draw" (p. 77). By phrasing the expectation positively, the child understands what they are actually supposed to do, and is therefore more likely to behave exactly as you wish. Burke and Herron also note that both parents need to agree on the same set of expectations for their child. Otherwise, home life will become confusing and difficult for both the child and the parents. Finally, Burke and Herron emphasize the importance of letting your child know when they have fulfilled your expectations. In this way, they will learn more clearly what they should do. Burke and Herron recommend praising children for behavior that meets your expectations: "Making sure your children understand your expectations involves praising behavior that is consistent with your expectations and correcting behavior that does not match your expectations. If your kids do what's expected of them, let them know!" (p. 78). Click here to go back to top of page
One time-tested strategy for encouraging children to behave appropriately is to praise them for good behavior. Burke and Herron note that by giving praise, children will find spending time with parents more enjoyable, which gives parents more opportunity to provide praise in the future. Things you can praise children for include:
Giving praise in these types of situations encourages kids to maintain good behavior, and keep trying in situations where they are just learning how to act. It is important to remember to give praise in the right types of situations. Giving praise only for outstanding accomplishments probably will not lead to any improvements in behavior, because praise will be too rare; on the other hand, giving praise for every single thing your child does probably will not lead to any improvements in behavior, because praise will become too common and will lose its impact. The most effective praise involves three parts: showing your approval, describing what the child did that you liked, and giving a reason you like it. Showing your approval tells kids that you're excited about what they did, and helps them feel satisfied with themselves. Describing what the child did helps the child understand exactly what behavior you like. And giving a reason helps them understand why the behavior is helpful to themselves or others. Here are two examples of good praise:
As an optional step, a reward maybe added for behavior that is especially pleasing to you. Click here to go back to top of page
What sort of discipline strategies work best when children misbehave? Here are six techniques that parents can use: 1. Time-out One strategy that is frequently recommended with younger children is time-out. According to Burke and Herron, "time-out means time away from all those fun things in a child's life" (p. 40). When the child misbehaves, they are given a very brief (usually 1 or 2 sentence) explanation of why they are being given a time-out. The child is then sent to a place that you specify, which should be free from entertaining distractions, such as TV or video games. The place may be a chair, a couch, a step, or the child's room - if it isn't too full of things they will enjoy by themselves. As a general rule, the child should have to spend one minute in that area for every year of age; thus, a seven year old should have to spend seven minutes in time out. The time-out begins when the child is quiet in the time-out area. It is important that the parent ignore all arguing and protests that the child makes about being sent to time-out. If the child starts to act up while in time-out, the time spent acting up doesn't count toward the total. The time-out doesn't end until the child has settled down and spent the required amount of time quietly. The time-out is finished when the parent tells the child that the required amount of time has passed, and the child can leave the time-out area. Once the time-out is finished, the parent and child can both resume their activities, without further discussion of the misbehavior. Click here to go back to top of page
2. Restitution Another strategy that can be very useful with children of many ages is to require "restitution" for the misbehavior. In his book The Case Against Spanking, Hyman explains that "restitution is accomplished by correcting negative effects of misbehavior" (p. 136). In other words, the child must do something to make up for what they did wrong. Hyman gives the example of an older child calling his younger brother names; to make restitution, the older child must apologize to his younger brother both verbally and in writing. An additional step, sometimes called "overcorrection" or "positive practice" may be added after the child makes restitution. For this step, the child practices the positive behavior that they should use instead of the misbehavior in the future. If appropriate, the parents may require the child to practice the positive behavior in an exaggerated fashion, to make the point more strongly about what is expected in the future. In Hyman's example of name-calling, for positive practice the older brother would have to use the younger brother's correct first name for the next 3 weeks whenever he speaks to or refers to his younger brother in conversation. Click here to go back to top of page
Another technique recommended by Burke and Herron is adding chores. Adding chores has the additional benefit of teaching responsibility to your child. In the best case, the chore is related to the misbehavior of the child. For instance, if the child tracks dirt into the house, the child has to vacuum the carpet. Or, suppose that your daughter breaks your son's toy. As a consequence, your daughter has to do extra chores around the house to earn money to pay for the toy. Another example is that your son and daughter are fighting about who put away the clean dishes last. The consequence is that they both have to wash and put away the dishes together for the next 3 nights. It is not, however, absolutely necessary that the chore relates to the misbehavior - even random chores can be effective in teaching the child that it's better to have good behavior in the long run. Click here to go back to top of page
A fourth common strategy recommended by Burke and Herron is privilege restriction. In short, the parent simply removes a privilege that a child normally has. For instance, if a teenager comes home an hour late one night, they have to come home an hour early the next night - or, if they have been late before, they may not be allowed to go out at all the next night. As another example, if two children are arguing over who picks the TV channel, you could turn off the TV until they settle their difference, or just take away TV watching for that night for both of them. Click here to go back to top of page
This strategy is similar to privilege restriction, and involves the parent not doing something for the child that they usually do, or not providing the child with something they usually provide. This approach has the advantage that the parent does not have to make the child do anything - the parent simply withdraws something they normally provide or do for the child. Thus, it can be used easily with teens, and physically larger children. In the Toughlove Parents Manual, York and York's recommended list of consequences for teenagers' misbehavior include withdrawing: your money, your resources, your material goods, or your problem-solving abilities. Click here to go back to top of page
A final technique that is particularly effective with older children and teens is giving logical consequences for misbehavior. In The Parent's Handbook Dinkmeyer and McKay explain that "for the consequences to be effective, the child must see them as logically related to their misbehavior. In other words, the consequences must 'fit' the behavior in a logical way" (p. 72). For instance, if a child comes to the dinner table without washing up, the parent simply removes their plate, saying " 'I see you are not ready to eat' " (p. 80). The child can have their plate back and eat when they have cleaned up. If they don't clean up before the end of dinner, they simply go hungry that night. As another example, suppose that a child neglects a household chore, such as taking out the garbage or washing the car. The parent can institute a "service charge" for having to do the task themselves, and deduct the money from the child's allowance. In his book Uncommon Sense For Parents With Teenagers, Riera gives the example that a teen commits some misbehavior involving use of the car: a logical consequence would be limiting the teenager's use of the car for a reasonable period of time. You may notice that the logical consequences associated with misbehavior often involve the other strategies discussed above, such as making restitution, adding chores, privilege restrictions (for instance, not being allowed to use the car), and withdrawing your resources. Thus, using logical consequences is a method that can be combined easily with other techniques. One of the advantages of using logical consequences is that there is a clear connection between the misbehavior and the effect for the child. The logical consequence seems to follow naturally from the child's own behavior. Thus, the child sees more clearly that they are responsible for the outcome of their chosen behavior. Under these circumstances, it is hard for the child to blame the adult for giving them some undeserved, random punishment. As a result, there tends to be less arguing, and the situation can become a learning experience for the child. In short, the child learns there is a direct connection between their behavior and the effect on them. As Riera notes, "you become the enforcer of consequences in a consistent world, rather than the all-powerful (and resented) judge and jury in an unpredictable world" (p. 81). Click here to go back to top of page
A common element to all discipline strategies discussed above is that the parent must remain calm, avoid arguing with the child, and adopt a matter-of-fact tone when administering discipline. Burke and Herron note that for many parents, the biggest challenge when disciplining their children is remaining calm. Nonetheless, parents report many improvements in discipline situations when they learn to remain calm, including:
Similarly, in his book 1-2-3 Magic, Phelan explains that attempting to argue with or persuade the child in a discipline situation will likely backfire, because the child will simply enjoy the argument, and delay or avoid the real discipline. As Phelan states, "unwise attempts at talking or persuading are guaranteed to take the child's focus off the possibility of good behavior and put the focus on the possibility of an enjoyable argument" (p. 22). Rather than yelling or arguing, parents are advised to enforce consequences calmly, respectfully, and promptly, without anger. According to Wilmes, in his book Parenting For Prevention, the preferred tone to use when giving a consequence is something like: "I'm sorry, but I'm sure you know it's the only thing we can do. You're a sweetheart and we love you, but you have to learn to take responsibility for what you do" (p. 53). Click here to go back to top of page
In conclusion, there are many steps that parents can take to help their children develop and maintain good behavior. Of course, as Burke and Herron note, no parent is perfect, and everyone makes some mistakes. But working hard at using good parenting strategies will pay off in the long run. Burke and Herron sum up their philosophy of parenting with some valuable advice: "Love your children even when they least deserve it. Then, teach them the proper way to behave . . . Make the most of the opportunities you have with your children" (p. 3). Click here to go back to top of page
Barun, K. (1987). When saying no isn't enough. New York: Signet. Burke, R., & Herron, R. (1996). Common sense parenting. (2nd ed.). Boys Town, NE: Boys Town Press. Dinkmeyer, D., & McKay, G. (1982). The parent's handbook. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service. Hyman, I. (1997). The case against spanking. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Levant, G. (1998) Keeping kids drug free. San Diego: Laurel Glen. Phelan, T. (1995). 1-2-3 Magic. (2nd ed.). Glen Ellyn, IL: Child Management Inc. Riera, M. (1995). Uncommon sense for parents with teenagers. Berkeley: Celestial Arts. Wilmes, D. (1988). Parenting for prevention. Minneapolis: Johnson Institute. Wood, S., Bishop, R., & Cohen D. (1978). Parenting. New York: Hart Publishing Inc. York, P. and York, D. (1980). Toughlove parents manual. Doylestown, PA: Toughlove International.
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